it is so comforting to be able to come home and recuperate from a long week at school and fall asleep in my own bed. maybe i’m not flying the coop like i should, but at least i know that there’s always a home base to return to.
Today’s been making me over think things about myself. I don’t really know why I’m in this mood; I’ve been pretty good recently about not feeling negatively (which is strange because I’m not proactively trying/forcing myself to feel better which is what I normally have to do to keep out of a funk) but for some reason today I’ve had a lot of contemplative time I guess. I hung out with Rebecca after Biology lab today…I remember earlier in the week saying to Emily that I felt obligated to hang out with her today because I ditched her last week. At the same time, I really don’t want to have to feel that way. I don’t know if I’d want to (a) not go again and not feel obligated simply because she’s been aggravating me consistently for a while or (b) go back to us being friends somehow so I wouldn’t feel like hanging out with her is an obligation. I feel bad because so many things about her bother me now, especially in the way she acts and the things she says. She doesn’t have a filter but it’s in a bad way, she doesn’t have any good reason to express her opinion in the way that she’s expressing it (being overly gross, being straight up rude, being absorbed in her own opinions without leaving room for others).
Emily came to lunch as well and her friend Nat came over to sit with us. Honestly having Rebecca there saying all sorts of brash things made me feel embarrassed. I’ve been wanting so badly to make new friends and it frustrates me so much that by being friends with certain people/stalked by certain people (Nicole)/within the vicinity of certain people can affect the way that I am able to make new friends. It shouldn’t matter, I know, because I should be able to be friendly enough for people to want to be friends with me even if I’m around those types of people but apparently I still haven’t been able to do that right.
So with Nat being there, not only did it aggravate my Rebecca problems it aggravated my being-single-and-still-not-completely-okay-with-it problems. Nat is cute and all, I’m not saying I’m attracted or something but it just reminded me about how little construction has actually occurred in that department. I shouldn’t care so much about it, considering all the crap I had to go through to become single. The couple months after Mo were nice to be single because I was recuperating and building myself back up.
This leads to my other point of contemplation about the fact that I’ve gotten progressively meaner within a short span of time and I feel like that doesn’t help my friend situation at all. Maybe it’s because of all the crap that Mo put me through that I’ve gotten to be more belligerent with how I perceive people. I’ve gotten completely adverse to the idea of letting others tell you what to do because of it all, and that sounds fine and good, but at the same time it affects the way I feel about how others treat me all the time. I’ve gotten to questioning why certain people do certain things, assuming that in the end they’ll end up using me. It’s not always bad like that, especially not when the scene is actually happening, but usually when I come back home in the evening and I think over it all it just makes me dour. I don’t know how to start meaningful conversations with people without automatically appearing like this. Automatically appearing like my hard opinioned self. I mean, I’m not saying that I would want to hide who I am from someone new I’m saying that I wish people could see more of the side that comes out when I’m with people I really care about. Like, some new stranger friend isn’t going to see how I treat Emily or Stacey or any of my closer friends right away, and I feel like that’s when I’m at my best. I guess I just don’t know how to show that side of me while still being able to have a personality.
It’s all wrapping around my brain, and that’s probably why I still have this headache. I just don’t understand why I need to think about things like this so much. I want to just act on things and just DO SOMETHING but even now I don’t have any opportunities for that and as of late my attempts at creating opportunities have been in vain. I just want to chill and eat a nice strawberry popsicle and watch a movie tonight. I’m going to finish my paper right now and then I will do that.